After Mike and I went to the Sixth Floor Museum last Sunday we drove on to the historic district in Forth Worth. He got to see a bit of real cowboy culture and we got a few small souvenirs and a nice steak dinner afterward. While the sightseeing that we did was certainly a good diversion, it was all of the conversation that really defined the weekend.
Aristotle said “Without friends no man would choose to live, though he had all other goods.” In recent years this has become one of my very favorite quotes.
It’s one thing to have a friend. It’s another to have a friend of 20 years. It’s still more to have a friend through 20 years of adulthood. There is a certain perspective and value in that kind of relationship that is inestimable. Among friendships, those are the ones that really ground your life, the kind that continue shining in solitude’s darkness when all other lights go out.
Mike is something of a renaissance man too, so he’s hard to beat as a sounding board. He’s an accomplished electronics and software engineer, an artificial intelligence researcher, an elected official in county government, a community booster and a great dad. I’m therefore a little embarrassed to say that most of the weekend’s conversation related to me – my change of life in moving to Dallas, my frame of mind now that some difficult times are long passed, and the fact that I’m dating again.
Since Mike is now studying intelligence and some other aspects of psychology and behavior that are closely tied to the understanding of brain function, many of these conversations had a pretty interesting backdrop. What might have been a rather mundane and one-sided discussion regarding my experience with dating in mid-life was instead a pretty high-brow exploration of aging and mating behaviors as seen from the standpoint of evolutionary biology and brain chemistry. Sprinkled in were shared observations from our shared past, including high points and low points from years gone by.
It was a gratifying series of conversations on many levels. I’ve been single now for about three years, and happily so for at least half that long. Mike witnessed all of that and many things that went before, so his very honest assessments over time serve as a kind of reflection that gives clarity that I couldn’t possibly get from any other source. Life has become a much, much better place for me than it was over most of my prior adulthood. Our time together reminded me of that and assured me that my present perceptions of peace and happiness are no illusion.
Most of the things that we discussed were purely reflective in nature, but for me one of them was actionable and forward looking. When I started dating again earlier this year I began to really struggle with whether or not I wanted to start another family. I could envision two kinds of happy futures – one in which I would share life’s bounty and challenges with a new partner but no new children, and another in which we added all of the joys and many responsibilities of parenthood to the rest of our experiences. In either case there is the daughter that I already have that remains steadily in the picture, and I was able to see either future playing out well. But there were doubts, especially in the case of starting fatherhood anew.
I have come to believe that the greater measure of stimulation and interest in life flows from the novelty of fresh experiences. I feel pretty certain that this is why I’ve come to enjoy traveling so much, for example. I think it is also why I’ve become so much harder to entertain as a reader these days. Not only does the author have to measure up to the better class of my accumulated reading, but he or she must also be offering me something new. An exquisitely told tale that I’ve already heard before just isn’t as interesting as it once was.
So what happens when you overlay that knowledge on top of the many trials and strains of parenthood?
I’ve long worried that the two just don’t go well together. A child needs and deserves the very best from his or her parents, and I strongly questioned whether or not my best would be on offer the second time around. If I was experiencing parenthood less as a new adventure and more as a rehashed duty, how enjoyable would it be for everyone involved? How likely is it that the bonds between a new wife and I would be made stronger when my perspective might be so very different from hers?
Our discussions sealed it. I decided once again – and firmly this time – that whatever my future holds it does not contain a plan for starting another family. If that limits my options for finding a new life partner more than I would like, well, tough. That’s the way it goes. Life’s clock is not ours to set and we each must do the best we can with the time we have. My time for starting families has passed, and I’m OK with that.
It’s liberating and validating and reassuring all at once to be able to reach those kinds of conclusions on your own. But to then bounce your innermost thinking off of a friend? To have another trusted mind that knows yours honestly assess your thoughts and share that assessment in a way that you can absorb it? Well… that’s invaluable.
Friendships in general are great, but friendships like that are the Soul’s Mirror. “Know thyself” said the ancient Greeks. Without good friends, I’m pretty sure that we’d have much less confidence in any such knowledge.