Tag Archives: fatherhood

Paint, Whitewash and Substance Beneath

As some of my recent posts have indicated, I’ve been pretty concerned with the progress and portent of the current recession. Most days I’m able to somehow remain unperturbed by it, accepting my sense of what will likely fill our future without letting it get me down. Though I can’t recall where, I’ve read that experiences which match your expectations can sometimes bring an odd sense of well being even when you expect unpleasant things. Call it a psychological reward for having a correct sense of things perhaps, a confirmation that the way we understand the world is correct and, therefore, the future better understood and less threatening. My time in Atlanta this past weekend was filled with experiences which, despite their contrasts, did just that. They validated and reinforced my beliefs of where we are headed, and for that reason I suppose what might have been a downer was not.

My parents were in town for the same reason I was – we were going to watch the Greatest Kid in the World perform in the Nutcracker Ballet for the fifth year running, a family tradition in which most details have now become somewhat automatic. This year, however, her performance was at 7:30 pm instead of 10:00 am. Since the GKITW was spending the weekend at her mother’s house my parents and I had all Saturday to fill with something. With the Christmas season in full swing and not everything having been bought yet, out we went.

We got to Lenox Mall at about lunch time on Saturday. I have gone there dozens of times over the years that I lived in Atlanta and I still do some shopping there when I’m in town. It would be fair to say that I have a sense of the place and it was immediately obvious that things were not as they have been. By noon the parking deck on any given weekend is likely to be reasonably full, and it’s not uncommon to have to park pretty far from the doorways. It being the holidays I had some concern that just getting inside might have been a real hassle. Shockingly it wasn’t. On the next to last weekend before Christmas the parking lot was maybe half full. In 20 Decembers I’ve never seen anything like it.

The interior of the mall was still clean and brightly lit and the advertising signage still spoke of indulgence with vivid imagery and celebrity endorsement. Nicolas Cage and Uma Thurman were still smiling from their advertisements for jewelry in the form of watches and pride disguised as evening wear. There were still fantastic luxury cars parked in the hallways – a Maserati for $140,000, a Mercedes 550 for a more modest $100,000. Every sign and symbol of wealth were as prominently displayed as they have been for many years now. In short, all of the fixtures were the same.

Everything else was different.

Unlike years past, the shoppers circulating through the mall were not packed closely and struggling against one another like spawning salmon. They were spread out, timidly advancing from one place to another like cautious deer. To what may be my admittedly biased perception, it appeared that the difference in the crowd’s psychology was as certain as it was subtle: They seemed more concerned with themselves than their shopping trip.

As if the visuals were not enough, there were the snippets of conversation I kept overhearing while walking by shoppers and staff alike in various stores:

“…well all of those people at Bank of America aren’t just numbers you know – they are real people, more than a few of whom have been our customers for quite a number of years.”

“The prices you see here are not as good as the deals that you can get – our discounts are actually way more than what’s marked. Honestly we’re just giving things away right now.”

“…and I know for sure we are going to have a bit of belt tightening here too, hopefully nothing you’ll notice the next time you come to visit us.”

“It’s all 43 stores that we’re closing, not just this one. Our largest shareholder backed out and he owned more than half the company. That’s it. We’re done.”

Hearing all of this I couldn’t help visualizing what the future might look like. What would next Christmas hold at the mall? Could it be that some of the stores with nervous employees would be dark and empty, the “Sale!” signs replaced with “Available for Lease?” Will the Maserati and Mercedes be replaced with Toyotas, or perhaps not replaced at all? Will public service announcements be hung up where Uma and Nicolas once dwelled, their presence made too expensive by the times, their goods sent far out of reach of most shoppers? As is often the case, a look into the future revealed to me the past.

When I was a kid my grandmother would sometimes use an old southern expression to describe once well off folks that had fallen on leaner times. “Too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash,” she would say. It helped to explained the gentle dilapidation of the south that used to be so much more visible than it is now. Before the economic boom of the past 30 years it was not uncommon to see nice old homes that were kept up in the best possible way that a house can be maintained with no money. Neat and tidy, but worn and faded. Some flaking paint, a curled shingle here or there, a chimney with badly patched cracks, a window where broken panes were replaced but the rest left alone and looking all the older for the contrast. If the owners remained in good health their yards would sometimes retain the appearance of a grand old home in better times, but even then there were telltale signs. There were often plenty enough trees, shrubs and perennials but no annuals at all. Dogwoods and azaleas sure, irises and lilies likely enough. But pansies and caladiums, zinnias and tulips? Not likely. You could always divide the plants that lived through the winter and multiplied on their own, swapping them with neighbors that carried on in the same way. But spending money on plants that lived for only a season? That was frivolous.

It was that world and those times that came rushing back from memory when in particular clothing store. This place is something of a landmark for finer men’s clothing in Atlanta. They’ve been outfitting business executives for decades and the gentleman who always takes care of me when I shop there reminds me very much of my grandmother’s generation. Last weekend he gave me his usual greeting, but shortly thereafter did something that he’s never done in the years that I’ve gone there. He leaned in a littler closer and said just louder than a whisper, just soft enough that anyone else nearby would feel like they were eavesdropping to listen:

“You know we’ve got some really nice sport coats at 20% off right now.”

My hair stood up. For some reason that one sentence said more to me about the fact that we really are in a bad recession than anything else I had seen or heard that day or even in the weeks before. Lehman Brothers gone? Ah well. Unemployment up sharply? Very unfortunate. GM and Chrysler on the edge of existence? Scary, but remote. Now my Trusted Man was suggesting that this store needs to use price to motivate purchases? Somehow that was both very close and unsettling. It’s just not the kind of thing that they would say. Until now. I suddenly imagined myself visiting them a few years in the future, their previously glowing shelves worn and mostly empty, the carpet looking clean but threadbare and everyone on staff looking a bit thinner. It’s probably a silly visualization but it’s what I saw. It was just about all the shopping I could handle.

That night we seemed very far away from the mall as we watched the annual pageantry of the Nutcracker. There were all of the beautiful handmade sets and costumes and the beaming children so proud and happy to be be performing for their families in the audience. In that small town the whole community participates in the event – it’s not just the kids. Herr Drosselmeyer and Mother Ginger and some of the party guests are adults volunteering their time like so many others that make the production happen. As I waited for my child to appear I still carried the impressions of the day. I couldn’t help but imagine what the show might look like in future years. Will the bright and colorful costumes be faded and patched as discreetly as possible, the dancing troupe having to stretch their use year after year because of fewer donations? Will the set pieces become tattered and worn, but still serviceable?

Eventually my daughter appeared and I was back in the present moment. As I watched both the show and all of the families in the audience I found peace again. Focused in on their children and neighbors performing once again this year, they were far from the mall too. It may be that these people will become too poor to paint, but if so they’ll also keep things up as best as they can. They will make sure that the show goes on, and people will laugh and clap for their kids and bring them bouquets and proudly take their pictures. The kids would still be as proud and happy to perform as they were last weekend. Whatever hard economic times the future might bring this was a crowd that would find a way to keep up the really important things even if they weren’t always as shiny and new on the surface. They would be here for each other even if Nick and Uma were to drive away in Mercedes and Maseratis never to return.

A Slice of Summer

My house in Atlanta is in a small, quiet subdivision built in the 1970s with no swimming pool or tennis courts. It’s the sleepy sort of place often overlooked by young people starting out in their first home, and still mostly populated by folks who became grandparents years ago. It’s not just the houses and their occupants that are older. Much of the foliage is huge with age. Giant pin oaks loom over the streets and sprawling crepe myrtles that are spread heavy with blossom this time of year stand watch over the silence.

The only time it gets really busy are holidays like Mothers Day, Memorial Day, Thanksgiving. Then you’ll see cars overflowing from driveways and a flood of children like rain come to the desert. They briefly rush down the streets and fill the yards, shouting, playing – doing the things that kids do. And then they evaporate, leaving the dry old riverbed of life behind, carried away to schools and playgrounds and other such places where they spend almost all of the year.

But even in the middling times that stretch between holidays it’s not entirely dry. You’ll find an occasional child here and there – a few younger people like me have made outposts. Most of us have very young children, scarcely more than toddlers. There are only a small number of kids my daughter’s age. For the most part they are like her, coming on odd weekends to visit their fathers.

Even so they’ll sometimes gather together, finding a way to be happy in that manner which only kids seem to know. They increase their numbers by borrowing from nearby neighborhoods and calling in school friends, making something special of the day. Of course us parents have a hand in that and today was one of those times.

There was a slip-and-slide with dish soap. Chunks of watermelon on the back deck. A tree house. A frantically happy puppy and some picture taking. There was both thunder and sunshine. There was excitement, disappointment, and then cascading laughter once again.

It was a sweet slice of summer time on a lazy afternoon, with a bit of cooling rain in the dry heat of late July.

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Stewards of Joy

When you walk up and down the beach at a place like Edisto, you can’t help but notice a clear pattern. For the most part the kids are in the water and the grownups are on the sand. You might watch this and wonder if maybe the adults have lost the sense of fun that comes with the beach, and I suppose maybe some of them have. I can still remember how much I desperately wanted to go the beach when I was a kid, and how there was no substitute for that kind of fun. I could have stayed out all day every day, and sometimes I did.

There is more at work here than the adults just becoming jaded duds as they get older. I know that in earlier years when I carried heavy burdens in life I would look forward to my time on Edisto as a combination of relief and escape. I was plenty satisfied to do nothing but sit under an umbrella staring at the waves while I slowly emptied a cooler of beer during the afternoon. So I’m sure that some of the grownups scattered on the beach are also escaping. Leaving behind the innocence of childhood can wear heavily sometimes. Fortunately those days of being overly care worn are well behind me.

This year it finally hit me why so many of the adults are happy to simply sit on the beach without jumping around in the waves or digging in the sand. So many of us – myself included – are there keeping watch over our kids while giving them enough room to have fun with each other. We are making sure that they don’t stray too close to the jetties or too far from the shore, ensuring that they don’t get roughed up too badly by the waves or spend so much time in the sun that they can’t go out again the next day. We keep them safe so that they can stay happy while playing together – we are the stewards of their joy, living vicariously though them for much of the lazy afternoons while we sunbathe, read and talk grownup talk.

It’s not a bad way to spend some time at the beach.

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Different Worlds

When I was with my daughter’s classmates on their field trip last week I found myself plunged into a world that I have experienced in the smallest of slices and even then only rarely owing to the fact that I am not her custodial parent. It is the mode of life where kids, their activities and their experiences have a profound place in the everyday schedule of the adults around them. Every one of the adults that shared a chaperon role with me on the trip was from that world. Everyone was either a parent of one of the kids, a teacher for many of the children, or both. Everyone, that is, except for me.

In addition to that, all of the adults present were also people that not only lived in north Georgia but in many cases had even grown up there. One of them had actually attended the grade school that my daughter goes to today. All of them had deep roots in the same small town.

Having flown in from the big city of Dallas almost a thousand miles away, I was a bit of a Person of Interest to the rest of the group. As small town southerners so often are, my fellow parents were unfailingly polite and unassuming. Fortunately for me I had enough in common with them to not be entirely an odd man out. I grew up in a small town in South Carolina after all, and even though I have not lived anywhere like that place in more than twenty years now, I still feel perfectly at home when I visit one.

But it is very different. You can find materialistic people anywhere, but it sure seems like there is less focus on things and more on people and relationships when you are amongst folks that are not steeped in the hustle of a major metropolitan area. Conversations were mostly dominated by issues of child rearing, schools, family ties going back generations, and other matters that had not a thing to do with the latest model cars, country club memberships, houses worth less than their mortgage notes, careers that progress by scattering families across state lines and even hemispheres.

And that’s fine with me. Never having belonged comfortably within the ladder climbing set, I have cared little for keeping up with the Joneses. While I have at times had very ambitious financial goals, I stopped holding them at heart in the hopes of one day impressing other people many years ago.

Still, I was a visitor amongst these teachers, parents and grandparents. I have not had the experience of living daily with the upbringing of kids, watching them and their interactions with their peers mature, shuttling them between their daily after school activities, weaving the fabric of the community in which they live. Mine has been a different way. I have participated mostly from a distance, but as regularly as I can. I said very little, mostly just listening to their cares, taking in their views, reflecting on what it might have been like to live among them as my daughter matured to the present day. It is a singular experience to witness something that you know you will never be part of, and although that may make the experience sound melancholy, it wasn’t. I was glad for it. It helped to remind me how much more my little girl is than the person I get to spend time with a couple of weekends per month.

Speaking of the kids, we had the occasion to spend lots of unstructured time with them on the chartered bus that carried us around. Plenty enough to see their world up close too. It is at least as different from that of their parents as mine is – probably more. We observed their preferred activities uninterrupted on the bus rides.

Half of them had cell phones. One set of siblings spoke to their mother at least several times a day before I lost count. Many of the phones had cameras in them and they got used fairly often. More than a few kids had Nintendo DS game machines – “DS” for short. These things do much more than play games – somehow they communicate with one another using built-in wireless networks. Much of the time that the kids were playing with them they were not actually playing games, but chatting with one another using anonymous screen names. Keep in mind, these kids were seated rows apart from one another on a bus when they were chatting. But they also used this chat feature to keep communicating with one another from cabin-to-cabin after each group settled in for the night. How long that went on after lights out I couldn’t tell you – they were pretty sneaky. And the kids had iPods too, lots of them did anyway. I think there were more iPods among the kids than the adults actually. There were scarcely enough power outlets in the cabins for all the recharging that needed to go on when the kids and their batteries were spent at the end of each day.

What their electronic youth will yield for them when they mature to adulthood I can’t guess, but I suspect that the generation gap emerging between us and them will be bigger than any that has come before since perhaps the 1960s. I guess we’ll all begin to understand what that means in a few years.

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